Week of October 21st: Nicked but Better

I fell from the world but for seconds and then it comes full stop back into what should be expected. That feeling of seeing the world close ever so slightly but to wake up and realize that there is some good in which the world presides with. There are times in which you feel as though all things begin to emerge within themselves. To those who helped I am very grateful and there are lessons to be learned within myself from their graciousness.

There is something utterly terrifying in learning a potentially life threatening condition is present within you. For one I hope there is a step towards myself in understanding where I go from there. It is health, through a physical doctrine and not that of mental faculties. Eating well goes a long way and I’m going to boycott all possessed sugar for a long while as I learn what is the cause of all my faintness. This week should be a little calmer than last and I hope to finish two books by the end of it. I should figure out a system of papers, how to sort them and where to put them.

And my session in counseling what mainly about accepting what people hold as a subjective truth. I must think of it more as a rerouting of previously held beliefs so, in that regard I must go instead of the fact of the thing instead understand a persons take on that thing in-itself. Its something to learn and take note of when engaging with people.

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Week of October 14th: The Ground

When one takes an understanding of things to be, what they are in entirety, one may begin to appreciate the entirety of those things around it. For instance we as judgement producing beings create judgement as to fit the cognitive desires we so crave, yet for much of the understanding we do it is more up to the finding of what things are as opposed to what they are not. However, if we reverse this understanding, that of looking to what things are not a more cosmological understanding and full understanding comes into fruition. The view of how to accomplish this task is difficult and I have to admit not particularly glamorous nor very productive in a worldly sense. But the idea of such an understanding is one of a sort of zen mind set as to the creation of things that are and are not. That we go be on the manifestation of perspective, beyond the idea of concepts and categories and in a very hopeful and optimistic sense a peace or tranquility with the wretchedness with the things beyond our control, and the things which should not matter as much as we do make them.

This week, in my grand expose of what I truly am capable of, and if I am truly capable of focus, of meditation, and of accomplishment. The goals are quiet easy to be quiet honest. I have school which is a top priority and will take up a majority of my time, I also want to finish The Gay Science which has been quiet an experience in itself. The book after that I am deciding between On Revolution by Hannah Arendt or a longer selection of Nietzsche. All I really want to make sure is that I read more than I write, which is a problem which is not so much a problem of negativity, it is a problem as to my ability to make new arguments, consistent arguments, and have a better grasp at other’s knowledge. Perhaps this isn’t a very bad problem to have but it is one of concern as my self consciousness about my writing is extreme enough to where I feel if cannot understand what past me was saying, no other person will.

Physically I want to take a step into the direction of a healthy build. I am small as my frame will let me, at least that is how I feel about myself. And I think that through a month of working out and going through with it I would feel better afterwards, I would feel more confident in my own skin and I am guessing my energy would go up and I am sure my abilities mentally and physically {basketball} would go up. Well, this week might be a slow start to that idealization but it is worth a shot.

Words of the week: Judgement, Idealization, Solidity, Conceptions, and Fruition.

The Empty Scream: Week of September 8th

This return, one of a feeling of illusion. A place I am familiar with, the people I know, and yet the feeling of absence presides where ever I am. Color has faded with a spring of sorrow, heat and devastation continue. I scream within myself, but yet feel as though nothing were there, like a empty parking garage were my soul. This cry from boredom and sorrow is ever continuing. I have found that you are more a reflection of your space than you are of yourself. For instance the place where I have now resided is one of a stepping stone to death, one of resignation, and passivity. That I have fallen into that exact same trap, of one which I lived for many years, a color of passivity late nights and wasted life itself.

Its a stressor I don’t think I can outrun. No matter where I go that pervasive feeling of the empty scream stays in my heart. The call to loneliness is not so simple as to resign to it, it is one of a counter acting pervasiveness similar to that of the exact thing it is trying counter. This contradiction makes the soul twisted into having a love hate relationship with everything it encounters. That a feeling may become so bipolar as to one moment of our lives enter utter bliss and at others deep anxiety.

Tension Through Release: Week of August 19th

Why must I be in such a rush? Does the world move so much slower if I were to move faster? That I must be uncollected in thought, and through that rushing, the feeling is expounded blackness to make no use of my time. In this, I am to shortsighted to see long-term goals completed as I set for myself. Also being I change far too often the desires of better. From that, I ignore the past work and only see more goals to be set and projects to be created. And yet somehow I am frustrated at my inability to achieve such things as my goals. This is an inconsistency I would rather do without. To have my head spin with ideas, and projects so hopeful and yet filled with far too erratic as to complete those projects.

In this, I don’t feel intelligent as if to say that those of the intelligent mind has a form of commitment which I do not possess. And even though writing this I have become engrossed in a mindless consumptive fashion, it is why much of my deeply held conviction against myself rooted in this dichotomy.

So, as a matter of movement of my own convictions, I must realize what I am doing wrong in this situation. To build myself up before I put expression onto the world. That I must begin to reflect on time wasted, especially that time when I put forth a goal as simple as reading for an hour. In this time I must begin to focus much more on the books themselves than the stringy connections which pop into my head and create tangents of which I never feel fully conscious of this difference. Also as a matter of self-improvement, I must acknowledge that I am not fully capable nor knowledgeable to talk on such grandiose topics as philosophy and mathematics, parts of my mental passions. So, I believe it to be in my best interest to move my view of knowledge more upon reading and the mind than the exposé of simplistic and at times incoherent expression I put to my writing.

First and for most I step into reading and the value of memorization and judgment upon a topic. That reflection can ignore the means of attaching this thought to the physical world in writing and instead focus on the judgment of ideas and the creation of some manifestation of self. I hope this goal will help me once more connect with my body as my mind has fluttered in the strata for far too long.

Week of August 5th: The Why Behind the Expression.

As part of my experience through life it has become obvious at the discrepancy I possess between my internal emotions and the outwardly expressions. That describing those emotions are difficult, particularly because I hardly ostensive words; that of a term pointing only to examples for definition. In as much as that part of my cannot formulate the true expression of my emotions I feel like there is no meaning behind the words themselves and they convey very little in reference to my experience. And many a time I can point to words such as hurt, sad, depressed, angry, but those experiences are usually confined to other points of reference and entirely situational. To point to a sense of truth is foggy as differentiated by the feeling I can express, knowing that the situation calls for it; particularly that of anxiety, disposition, and wanderlust is not a situation by which I know what it calls for.

In many a time this expression internally of confusion comes out as what should exist within the world, that my expressions of disposition against that of the popular culture are primarily found in the fact I cannot express why or the reason behind the disposition. This discrepancy mixed with an unfiltered appreciation of truth and negation of personal emotion as a means of expression gives rise to the attitude I express, that of flaring passion, and weak standing points.

This also has its cause in how I talk to people, expecting them to have the same sort of misunderstanding of their own emotions. That my quietism takes form in the knowledge that expression of emotion is important, yet I cannot find the words, nor at times the courage to express those true emotions. And more closely akin, I am blind in my experience of taking initiative from expressions not rooted in words, that of others body language; I cannot read when in relation to myself. However, for some reason I have a good eye for noticing certain body language keys when in relation to those outside of me.

In building foreword, I am trying to build strong roots in self-examination when in those situations which require the acknowledgement of body language. Which no longer is so focused on the topic that the external world becomes abstract and a mere space by which to express meaning of desires or ideas. To acknowledge that our language is weak if we wish to truly express those things we feel, or experience in our lives. In this my philosophical announcement of “The conception is a fact, not the expression!” Perhaps, it tells that our expressions can never truly say what our conception hand of the world. That “thought” as we think of it is based on language yet the true form thinking or cognition takes is that of the entirety of experience even those things which we cannot express and need ostensive definitions.

For going further I will say that a system of truth, that is how do truths relate, must be that of reference between each other. That Kantian Thing-in-itself is a true manifestation and that those truths of the world have a relation by means of defining each other. And to say, as the foundationalist would, that the does have a singular entity which defines the rest of existence I would say is wrong. That system of reference and reliance upon other objects or manifestations is entirely complex and not at any point singular. For instance, I have a metal water bottle, the metal itself might be made up of fundamental particles, quarks, bosons, and all others. But that there are an infinite forms within the world which are also apart of the water bottle as I conceive it, energy of molecules between the metal and air around it, the space by which it inhabits, the forces which are tugging at it to make it; in my frame of reference, stationary. These things make up what I think of the world, the definitions I put upon certain conceptions; organic or inorganic, and that of all matter of things in themselves lie in some noumenon beyond the world; as if a code of the world to make it congruent.

Where does this leave me? To push the bounds of understanding because of these restrictions and systems by which our conception of the truth is particularly harbored. To have a conception beyond the mind and to feel the extension in which I feel as the will stretches to the real world and pushes me to the desires I hold. And with it I know that all I have are the conceptions of the world, and the expression of free will is that extension into the unknown, and to accept the fact of mind which I have set up.

Heat of the Spirit: Week of July 22

It has been far to long for me to continue this, to confined in the void with my emotions or at the very least try to unsheathe them. To build color, voice, and individualism, that these goals are part of a inner striving. Color being a simile to a part of what the external thinks of me, that physical world beyond the mind is passing judgement and those judgement do effect my own individuation despite their origins being of my own accord. to build voice is to have a way of captivation, of expression in much of the same tying form of color one must be able to convey with what purpose you are meaning to speak and the that relationship itself. To open up might be a part of this voice that festers within, that even; as I know this to be a fact as therapy and simple all be it egotistical expression releases a lot of the pressure I have about the world.

And lastly individualism, that is I am not above the influence of other but I must have my own conclusions of that influence. These conclusions rooted in some cognition must withstand the form of inner pressure and those haunting questions of the world. Perhaps this is why change is not so difficult for I know that it is a development, a method or means by which I obtain the desired ends who are in themselves methods. This is perhaps our end, the human race has no ends and any perceived such reaching’s is just a manifestation of the means to pass and continue onward. To quote Wittgenstein

“We acted as though we had tried to find the real artichoke by stripping it of its leaves” -Ludwig Wittgenstein — Brown Book ~~ 1933

This quote although referring to the relationship of the meaning of words and their actual contexts does seem to have a bit of story behind it. That if we want the definition of what we call an artichoke or in my case ends, we must partake all forms of their forms, the artichoke’s leaves makes up an artichoke the means are these leaves of ends, that because of reflection one cannot physically nor mentally act upon ends which did not have reflection of their means. A revolution for peace, must have peace within said revolution. An end of prosperity must have prosperity as a means within it, the prongs on a ladder which give rise to the ladder itself and the destination desired.

Artistically we can see this in the culmination of art itself, that to find ‘real’ or ‘purposeful’ art one must have culmination, that a song is not good for the end nor the beginning nor any single point in between; although highs and lows are known to exist, the ‘blemishes’ of art and it uniqueness within those ‘blemishes’ create the entire matter of the art. No single stroke of a paint brush of a much broader collection of paint should be considered ‘the piece’ in itself.

It is unfortunate, that  much of the contrived ‘art’ we have floating around is the output of the poplar forces of our society. That is to say we have two spectrum which are rooted in a singular part and more or less are a reflection of our society. That we have people enjoying music or media only as a means of ‘entertainment’ which we must understand why people enjoy stuff that is popular. Its a difficult web of strings, infinite connections, and perhaps a reflection of personal reflections. I mean to criticize many singular things, the introduction of mumble rap; ie lyrics we cannot understand nor have any purpose besides egotism, and cgi garbage dumps of movies; Micheal Bay’s Transformers, Fast & Furious, and many more piles of trash which will not stand the test of time, have an impact on the ‘meaning’ we try to express in art, and devolves the excellence of literary forms (it pains me dearly to call Transformers a piece of literature) but I believe this devolution will only continue to get worse the more and more money and incentive we put onto make garbage heaps for us to waste two plus hours in front of and not get any meaning out of it.

Horror films have become horrid as a means of expression, highly cliched, and cheap; ie jump-scares as a means of frightening the audience. If you remove jump scares from a movie then it lacks any tension or suspense then you haven’t created a proper horror plot nor theatrics.

However, I do hope with a slight pessimism at the removal of such heaps of trash that are only popular because they are advertised and they promote a lifestyle we repress. The pessimism forms from the relations and baseless people I have met within my life, that I see much of their style and individuality as nothing but a motivation of culture. That as much plurality as we can see within ourselves, sometimes taken to the extreme by means of insecurity, that our society has a inferiority problem which stems from our relationships in early childhood and the reflection of society as itself. This single source is the mentality bread from capitalism and hierarchy, that the relationships have festered themselves into the form of antagonistic approaches to relationships.

That we have become isolated, from family as uncles and aunts far away, brothers or sisters who leave the nest before us, and even the caretaking aspect of that relationship with our elders has become disgusting as a general affirm, that I fear my grandmother after the passing of my grandfather should be alone with two; previously three houses, that with our busy lives within a capitalist, eat or be eaten society, we put off that relationship with parents as they age out of their working years, provision for one or two more mouths should not be too difficult. This is to say that relationships at their very core have become a value of ‘does this person give me anything to make them care about them.’ Which is sociopaths, we then turn to drugs as a means to escape the already destructive relationships we have with our parents. In returning to means, art such as that of Bojack Horseman and his disheartening relationship with his mother should not be something that occurs more and more often. Isolation also in that we have disrupted our means of transportation, as if everyone were in our litters, like nobility that wish not to view upon the stench and rot of the word they destroy, each person their own ‘mansion’ by standards of previously held homes, luxuries for the sake of luxuries and social hierarchy, how are these things good if they are suppose to be a means to reaching a goal of equality and prosperity.

Perhaps my rant has done nothing but depress, but in light of that and the glaring heat upon this summer we must look back to the quote and say I am a part of the whole leaf of this society, we are all reflections of our conceived better and striving for that is desirable not just for you but for me and all of those around the world.

Journey of the Wind: Week of July 1st

This week aims to be simple, in what I aim to achieve. To write consistently, do my homework the day assigned, read enough to where I feel satisfied each day, and to meditate at least once a day. These goals are readily available, all that is required is that I take those chances, to step into the day with a fire burning without sullen format. To be a proprietor of my own life with an active notions, to find that no such time as that which I have should be looked back upon as ‘wasted.’ The steps upon this is to no longer take for granted the minimal amount of time you have, but not worry so much between my times as to create an anxiety of waste. I should not fear absence as much as I do, yet I must have my understanding of what I do with that time. To view upon the collection of what is to be my experience. Experience over the material, active over the passive, and from that enjoyment of the experience in themselves will continue to expand.

My writing burns with passion, yet I am formed in my own self doubt. To cast upon my imagination as trivial, unfounded, unoriginal, or at the very least too abstract to once understand the purpose of why such writing feels necessary. I am not quite to the level of graphomania, but at the very least my writing when I do take up these stances of writing things my words upon the page are not at all structured nor do I write them in the intent of being coherent. This mixed with a short attention span and a sense of memory loss I will constantly fail to make proper sentences, creating fragments or hard changes mid-sentence. What this I hope achieves is a clear mind, but I should begin my assault back towards normality, the search for coherence enough to where I can read back something, and have it make sense.

This week as with all from here till fall will be quiet, a step at a time is much better than strides off a cliff.